I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Randomize
