Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
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I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
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