I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
we're making bets on your personal life
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
