I wish life had little blips of pornography
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
