i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Is it penis luge time yet?
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Randomize
