I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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