Just cropdusted the office
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
