I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
