Sorry, I don't speak sober.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
