your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
