My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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