Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
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