then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Randomize
