Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Randomize
