I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
