just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
