I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
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