No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
You have to summon your inner elephant
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I'm bleeding and have questions
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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