I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
