i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
