i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
COCAINE IS GR8
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
