I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
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The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
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Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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