how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Randomize
