sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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