remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Randomize
