I accidentally had phone sex last night
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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