Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
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