Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
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