I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize
