the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
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