Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
honey bunches of taint.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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