i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
a search helicopter?!
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Randomize
