its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Randomize
