Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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