make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
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Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
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I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
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