we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Randomize
