I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Randomize
