how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Randomize
