There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
