After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
PANTIES FOUND
Randomize
