instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
