you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
