I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Randomize
