the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Just cropdusted the office
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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