Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
