I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
worst night to have a conscience
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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