Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
