There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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