I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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