I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
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