I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
