and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
